I was an avid reader all the way through high school, sometimes reading up to fifteen books in a week during the summer. (That's at least two books a day for those of you who are counting.) When authors construct their work, they generally tend to create characters that are likable, memorable, and have some sort of chemistry. Those character couples tend to resonate in the heads of their readers for a very long time. I, for instance, have a very special place in my heart for Meg and Calvin from A Wrinkle in Time.* Most people who read as much (or even less, I suppose) as I did have their favorite couples.
But what about the ones you didn't like? There are some literary love stories that I find distasteful to this day. I can't think of them without my fifteen-year-old brain going: WTF? So I give to you:
THE FIVE WORST COUPLES IN THE HISTORY OF BOOKDOM:
5. Cathy and Chris from Flowers In The Attic. They're blonde and beautiful. He's abusive, she's mousy, and they're having sex. They're also brother and sister. But because of some kind of creepy Stockholm syndrome born of not being allowed to ever leave the attic because they're children of a somewhat incestuous relationship** they fall in a creepy sort of love and treat their much younger twin brother and sister as their own children. Why did this only make number five? Because while the gross-out factor is really high, it's a V.C. Andrews book. ALL of her books were at this level of "Why God Why?" so once you read a couple, the disgust kind of fades.
4. Ginny and Harry from Harry Potter and the Whatever Mystery Harry Must Solve This Week. My problem with this is where did it come from? Sure, back when they were all freshmen*** Ginny had this crush on Harry and it was kind of cute because it was unrequited love and nothing was going to come of it, etc etc. But all of a sudden in their sixth year, it was like J.K. Rowling said, "Fuck it. I can't let Harry keep coming to Weasley family functions unless he's actually part of the family."**** So then Ginny and Harry fall in love at Dumbledore's funeral out of nowhere. No build up, nothing to recommend their relationship, just Love(!). And then they have the stupidest named kid of all time.
3. Diana Barry and Fred Wright from Anne of Green Gables, et seq. Okay. I know. Diana is described throughout the whole Anne of Green Gables series as being an ordinary, yet uncommonly pretty child. And when all the other kids get to study for college, her mom makes her learn to cook and clean for her future husband. So Diana never really had a chance. But Fred Wright?? I mean, Anne gets Gilbert Blythe, AS SHE SHOULD, but couldn't Diana at least have gotten a character we'd heard of before. I honestly think Moody Spurgeon***** would have been a better choice. And his name is FRED?? Could it get any more boring? Yes, I know Diana doesn't have Anne's imagination, but could we at least have married her off to someone a little more interesting. I mean, the girl didn't even get to study for the Queen's College exam!
2. Daine and Numair from the Wild Magic****** series. Daine was all of fourteen when the series started, and Numair was like forty. Interestingly, this squicked me out WAY more than Cathy and Chris did. After all, Daine and Numair had the ability to see other people, as they weren't living in an attic. Pedophilia is so unattractive. And I still remember the start of the third book, where he's describing her long, luscious eyelashes as she sleeps. GET AWAY FROM THE SLEEPING MINOR!!!!
1. Amy and Teddy from Little Women. This is MY LEAST FAVORITE COUPLE OF ALL TIME!!!!!!! Amy spends her time making everyone else's lives miserable with her constant need to be the center of attention. Teddy goes around sneaking off from his tutors and hanging out with the March girls because he finds them fascinating. He is funny, adorable, and extraordinarily handsome. The perfect catch of the late 19th century. Nothing ticks me off more than when he says, "Let me introduce....my wife," and the Marches' YOUNGEST SISTER steps out of the carriage dressed to the nines. Teddy, let me help you here. Amy is a RAGING bitch. Seriously, and you only married her because she effectively STOLE Jo's trip to Europe where you happened to be man-whoring it up at the time.******* Look, you should have just pined away for Jo forever. Because seriously, Teddy. RAGING SELF-ABSORBED BITCH. Which just goes to show. It's always the girls with the ugliest personalities who get the hot guys.
What about you? Do you have any literary couples that you love, hate, or love-to-hate?
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*Especially that part where he takes her glasses off, remarks how pretty her eyes are, and how she shouldn't take them off anymore, because he doesn't want anyone else to know. Melts my dorky heart.
**Their mother married their long-lost half-uncle, and their grandmother is keeping them in the attic to hide them from society. Also because they are clearly devil spawn, what with their uncle being their father and all.
***This is a reference to a Very Potter Musical. For those of you who haven't seen it, get on that. Also, it means first years.
****Of course, if she LIKED the Weasleys she would just go with it. After all, it's totally Harry's fault they all keep dying. But Mrs. Weasley just keeps knitting him sweaters.
*****Interestingly, I just noticed that I always refer to all of the characters in this book series by their first and last names NO MATTER WHAT, but I think L.M. Montgomery does as well. All except for Anne of course. Does Anne HAVE a last name? Does anybody know?
******I was twelve. It had magic AND animals. It was cool back then. Stop laughing.
*******In the movie, you grew that ridiculous mustache. It was silly, but you were also Christian Bale at the time, so I forgive you.
Alright, in defense of Numair and Daine, look at the society they were living in. It's glossed over a bit in the books, probably for YA lit correctness, but the type of feudal system they lived in, average life expectancy, etc., 14 was probably typical marrying age, in all fairness. Besides, he didn't fall in love with her until she was approximately eighteen (probably more for modern political correctness than true reflection of the world Tamora Pierce created). More than one year passes in each book, and it's not until the fourth that he realizes his feelings for her have turned into those for a loved adult. If you want to object to a dynamic in their relationship, I'm a lot more concerned about her, because she's so young, and while she's been around other young people, she hasn't been around them or worked with them anywhere near to the extent she has with Numair, and therefore has never had anyone else that might be a true crush-competitor. However, there are two defenses to that--one is that she DOES reject his marriage proposal, partially because of her awareness of that. The other defense is that nearly all the other Tamora Pierce books, the female protagonist has multiple crushes/loves, and I feel that balances the strong Numair/Daine partnership a bit.
ReplyDeleteJust my opinion. And yes, magic and animals rocks. I still read the Tamora Pierce books.
I know, I know. But still. The scene with the eyelashes? Still doesn't sit right in my stomach. And you are probably the only person I know who has read this book. I'd actually forgotten that she rejects him at first.
ReplyDeleteAND Tamora Pierce sets up her plots on her own that only weak-willed people get married/get together young. I think the youngest main "couple" was Jonathon and Thayet and even they were early to mid-twenties. And Buri and Raoul, not till like their mid thirties, though I think they're a rare case even for the Tortall books.
And I have now just proved myself a total dork.